The Declaration of Independence holds many truths to be self-evident. However there is one truth that it has completely ignored. A truth that is undeniable. A truth that has eluded even the most learned mind. An incontrovertible fact that has led to countless hours of speculation among the masses. I have spent almost thirty two minutes going over the evidence and coming to a conclusion. No longer will another person have to spend hours awake in bed pondering the answer this difficult topic. No longer will work go undone as our minds are overwhelmed with a demand for satisfaction. For it is here and now that I will once and for all answer the unanswerable question. Never again shall you wonder, “Which are better, real bears, or gummy bears?” I shall show you once and for all the answer is and always shall be Gummy Bears.
In my search for the answer to this mind boggling question I first had to research the birth of both species of bear and how much good they had done for humanity. I learned using a new breakthrough in technology called the interweb that Gummy bears were strategically bred in the 1920’s by a visionary who went by the name Hans Riegel. We can all agree that Hans’ invention has brought to all human beings nothing but joy and deliciousness for almost a century. Real bears however have, according to more research, been around for approximately four to five million years. For most of that time it wasn’t joy that they brought to mankind but fear, as a predator of our ancestors. Or perhaps it is simply fear of those huge teeth that scared me when I saw that giant stuffed bear in a hotel lobby as a child. Seriously those things have some horrifying teeth. Who wouldn’t be afraid if you met a giant furry monster with huge yellow teeth in an alley at two o’clock in the morning after you were done getting wasted at the bar up the street from your house? I mean you already had a crappy night because you didn’t get laid, and now there is an eight hundred pound grizzly staring you down for a snickers bar. That sounds like terror incarnate to me, point Gummies.
Real bears however have changed their roll a bit in the last century as well starting with the appearance of teddy bears in 1902. Yes it is hear that I will look at the influence of both bears on the hearts of our children. Interestingly, right on the coattails of the gummy bears invention, real bears had a sudden change in public relations. Yes in fact just after the fruit flavored treats came into the lives of American citizens, making everything better, bears everywhere started looking better. You see it was in 1926 that A. A. Milne created one of my child hood favorite characters, Winnie the Pooh. Was he hired by the bears as part of a cover up to conceal their real agenda? I don’t know. I spent minutes looking for evidence of this but the trail has gone far too cold. I think however it is clear to say that it was the appearance of gummy bears that opened the door for the creation of such a lovable, honey eating, stuffing filled children’s book character to come into being. So for giving Milne the opening needed to create Pooh Bear that is one more point in the column of gummy bears.
I know what you are thinking. “Hey Ed” you say “What about the Winnie the Pooh cartoon?” you ask in that nasally, mocking voice. “Surely their role in the entertainment industry should be a point in the column of real bears” you say. As if you think the fact that Winnie the Pooh had a fantastic children’s cartoon somehow means he gains points for real bears. Well I hear you, you smug son of a bear. I remember that cartoon and it was wonderful. I remember sitting with my little sister and younger brother watching piglet get thrown about on the breeze on a particularly blustery day. I remember laughing as Pooh dressed up as a rain cloud to get honey like the adorable, bumbling moron he was. You know what else I remember? Gummy bears had a cartoon of their own… Before you ask, yes, I also remember that it was a terrible soul crushing abomination that caused gummy bears everywhere to look like juice drinking, bouncy addicts instead of the delicious chewy morsels they are. There are you happy? I admit it, somehow a cartoon bear has scored a point with me for real bears. It may not have any standing in logic or reason but there it is.
What does this mean however? Nothing I tell you. The fact is that Gummy Bears still win. I mean seriously. They come in multiple colors, multiple flavors, and are delightful every step of the way. Real bears may come in multiple colors, but they only come in one flavor, Bear. They are also far from delightful most of the time. I mean seriously for every real bear wearing a fez and riding a unicycle, another is stalking campgrounds and making you tie your food in a bag and hang it in the air as if I have time to be untying my fruit loops every morning. Oh and if you try to leave your food in your car guess what… They break into your Kia Sephia and take it. I mean seriously, real bears have no manners. I would totally give you some food bear if you asked nice, you are terrifyingly adorable. But no. You think it is okay to break into my car and now I have to get a new window because you wanted to eat my damned gummy bears. You can all burn real bears! Sorry about that, I got a bit carried away. In conclusion gummy bears bring joy and life to the taste buds of children and adults everywhere, and real bears just suck in comparison.