Kristy Livesey
I first started drinking in my early 20’s. In the beginning, it was fun. I’d go to bars and clubs with friends from college and have a genuinely good time. I can’t say that I ever liked the taste of alcohol, but I drank for the effect. If I was drinking, I was drinking to get drunk. I noticed that I drank a little faster and a whole lot more than my friends. I tried to ignore this because I was beginning a love affair with alcohol. I didn’t want to stop and, in actuality, I couldn’t.
When I drank, I began to have trouble regulating my emotions. I would become suicidally depressed after drinking which would spill into the next day, when I’d have a horrible hangover that only increased my depression. I’d take a day or two off from drinking, then start all over again, quickly forgetting the consequences of the day or two before. “This time will be different,” I told myself. But it never was.
I started to accept that I was an alcoholic when I began drinking alone in my last year of college and after graduation. I accepted it but did nothing about it. I was getting pretty good at hiding my drinking from friends, family, and employers. Finally, when I was living in Phoenix, AZ in 2007, the jig was up and I voluntarily admitted myself to The Sundance Center, a holistic rehab in North Scottsdale, AZ. Their treatment was based around The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom (A Toltec Wisdom Book) by Don Miguel Ruiz. I stayed 30 days and then was sent back out to the real world, where I promptly failed at creating a sober life for myself. So I returned to The Sundance Center a second time, after which I thought it most wise to return home to Rhode Island and my family.
Over the next few years I could not stay sober. They say you can’t scare an alcoholic into sobriety but this was not the case for me; I started blacking out every time I drank. I felt I had been through a lot and you would drink too if you were me, which I no longer believe today. The last time I drank, I was in the kitchen of my parents’ house drinking Twisted Tea. I took the empty cans to a CVS trash can and disposed of them there so my parents would never know, typical alcoholic behavior. I went to great lengths to hide my drinking. But something happened that day in my parents’ kitchen. I realized I couldn’t do this anymore. Alcohol didn’t work for me. I couldn’t use it to self medicate or numb out. It had stopped working. That was August 10, 2013 and I have been sober ever since. It took what it took to get that point. Einstein said, “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting difficult results.” This is precisely what happened to me with my drinking. I am very happy to say that today I am a sober and productive member of society.
There are various ways and things that I do to stay sober on a daily basis. I’m not religious but I am spiritual and I use prayer and meditation every day. When things seem that they just aren’t going my way, I remember that there are people in the world who live in places where they can’t even leave their homes without bombs going off. I’m all about putting things in perspective. I remember that many people have it worse off than I do. I am grateful. I make gratitude lists. I read about recovery voraciously. I take care of my cats. I check the mail. I do all these things I never did when I was an active alcoholic and so I consider them small miracles. I am responsible and reliable today. I work 35 hours a week, something I could barely manage when I was active in my alcoholism. I take walks around my small town which makes me feel happy. Sometimes I talk to my friends who are in recovery and I feel a stabilizing influence. I’m in therapy which is where I talk about my journey in sobriety. I feel genuine happiness today as a direct result of being sober. And that is what will always come first: my sobriety. Because without that, there is nothing. Absolutely nothing. I wouldn’t trade what I have now for anything in the world. And that’s the truth.
If you can identify with any of this or know someone in need, here are some resources:
The Providence Center: 401-276-4020
Meadows Edge: 401-294-6170
AdCare Hospital (formerly SSTAR Detox): 401-294-6160
Roger Williams Medical Center, Alcoholic and Drug Detoxification Program: 401-456-2363
Butler Hospital, Alcohol and Drug Treatment Programs: 401-455-6220
I first started drinking in my early 20’s. In the beginning, it was fun. I’d go to bars and clubs with friends from college and have a genuinely good time. I can’t say that I ever liked the taste of alcohol, but I drank for the effect. If I was drinking, I was drinking to get drunk. I noticed that I drank a little faster and a whole lot more than my friends. I tried to ignore this because I was beginning a love affair with alcohol. I didn’t want to stop and, in actuality, I couldn’t.
When I drank, I began to have trouble regulating my emotions. I would become suicidally depressed after drinking which would spill into the next day, when I’d have a horrible hangover that only increased my depression. I’d take a day or two off from drinking, then start all over again, quickly forgetting the consequences of the day or two before. “This time will be different,” I told myself. But it never was.
I started to accept that I was an alcoholic when I began drinking alone in my last year of college and after graduation. I accepted it but did nothing about it. I was getting pretty good at hiding my drinking from friends, family, and employers. Finally, when I was living in Phoenix, AZ in 2007, the jig was up and I voluntarily admitted myself to The Sundance Center, a holistic rehab in North Scottsdale, AZ. Their treatment was based around The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom (A Toltec Wisdom Book) by Don Miguel Ruiz. I stayed 30 days and then was sent back out to the real world, where I promptly failed at creating a sober life for myself. So I returned to The Sundance Center a second time, after which I thought it most wise to return home to Rhode Island and my family.
Over the next few years I could not stay sober. They say you can’t scare an alcoholic into sobriety but this was not the case for me; I started blacking out every time I drank. I felt I had been through a lot and you would drink too if you were me, which I no longer believe today. The last time I drank, I was in the kitchen of my parents’ house drinking Twisted Tea. I took the empty cans to a CVS trash can and disposed of them there so my parents would never know, typical alcoholic behavior. I went to great lengths to hide my drinking. But something happened that day in my parents’ kitchen. I realized I couldn’t do this anymore. Alcohol didn’t work for me. I couldn’t use it to self medicate or numb out. It had stopped working. That was August 10, 2013 and I have been sober ever since. It took what it took to get that point. Einstein said, “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting difficult results.” This is precisely what happened to me with my drinking. I am very happy to say that today I am a sober and productive member of society.
There are various ways and things that I do to stay sober on a daily basis. I’m not religious but I am spiritual and I use prayer and meditation every day. When things seem that they just aren’t going my way, I remember that there are people in the world who live in places where they can’t even leave their homes without bombs going off. I’m all about putting things in perspective. I remember that many people have it worse off than I do. I am grateful. I make gratitude lists. I read about recovery voraciously. I take care of my cats. I check the mail. I do all these things I never did when I was an active alcoholic and so I consider them small miracles. I am responsible and reliable today. I work 35 hours a week, something I could barely manage when I was active in my alcoholism. I take walks around my small town which makes me feel happy. Sometimes I talk to my friends who are in recovery and I feel a stabilizing influence. I’m in therapy which is where I talk about my journey in sobriety. I feel genuine happiness today as a direct result of being sober. And that is what will always come first: my sobriety. Because without that, there is nothing. Absolutely nothing. I wouldn’t trade what I have now for anything in the world. And that’s the truth.
If you can identify with any of this or know someone in need, here are some resources:
The Providence Center: 401-276-4020
Meadows Edge: 401-294-6170
AdCare Hospital (formerly SSTAR Detox): 401-294-6160
Roger Williams Medical Center, Alcoholic and Drug Detoxification Program: 401-456-2363
Butler Hospital, Alcohol and Drug Treatment Programs: 401-455-6220